the girl who loves the boy too shy

the girl who loves the boy too shy        (2014)
if i looked as ugly
as he treats me
would he still speak to me?

if my body was as
broken as my heart is
would he still want touches?

don’t be shy boy don’t be shy
some days i think you want to make me cry
testing to see if i’ll hurt you back
trying to trick me to attack
pretty is as pretty does my love
don’t be the gargoyle up above

i wish i was an ugly girl
cheap and cruel
with a face like gruel

i wish i was a monster
meaner than a mother fucker
with claws and a tooth like a dagger

if this is love i want to be hated
he seems to think that i am stupid
too dumb to get the insult
does a girl’s body deserve assault?
God put a brain in me you see
i can’t live complacently

i wish i was an idiot
your words would not cut
if i was too slow to get it

i wish i was shallow and clueless
if i was silly and thoughtless
my heart sure would get hurt less

cursed to be pretty and smart and kind
perhaps the fault is in my heart not my mind
that i love the boy so shy too shy
in his fear he makes me cry
God made me what i am with gifts i can’t return
and put this boy in my path on a bridge i cannot burn

i wish i was a heartless bitch
and could obey the itch
to dump him in the ditch

i wish i did not care at all
could laugh to see him fall
and did not answer to his call

but i love that boy too shy so broken
i see his pain behind the ruse, the insults spoken
are another mask he wears
to hide his fears and cares
he pushes me away knocks me down again
trying to protect the hurt within

i wish i could cut these strings
God tied between our beings
no matter our intervening

i wish running away
didn’t mean dying today
burned cold and gray

i was told to hold him tight
until he over comes his fright
he fears me more than death or living hell
his arrogance and anger i know too well
somehow i must teach him
to speak with love in place of venom

i wish i was a stronger woman
so i would not feel less human
when he punches like only he can

i wish i wasn’t scared and scarred
inside each time he has not cared
to guard me when my pain is bared

i must teach this boy to love, to show
him how the word is lived, i know
what it means to give a life to save a life
to let go all my gifts in sacrifice
to love is to remember always and forever
i am no bigger, not any better, than each and every other

i wish my heart and brains and beauty
came with wisdom courage and serenity
to aid me on this journey

About m

My ego wants to think I'm a writer but my heart knows I'm just another one of God's Kids who sometimes has words to say. 2 human kids and 3 feline kids call me Mom. Or Mooooooom. Or mewom, depending which you ask. I'm kinda-sorta busy being a student again; this time I signed myself up for a bizarre torture known as Graduate School. Theoretically in 4ish years I'll have earned some more nice letters to put with my name. Let's face it, I'm addicted to learning and probably need rehab to restore me to sanity and remove the obsession to read books. I don't remember what free time is but I think I like to spend it sleeping or playing in the mud on a river bank.
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