the price

the price
you ordered me to put as much effort into conversing
as i do into writing
but i cannot do that
when you will not listen
and so i am back at my paper
me and my pen and i
here where i am safe
and my needs do not matter

you do not love the girl
with a brain and a heart

i think
that you know
you are being cruel
i think you are as angry with you
as you are with me
but i am an easier target

if your love letter
was lies
you paid a dear price
in buying my heart with them

and me
i hate myself
that you hurt me
and i am always ready
to let you do it again

i hate myself
because i trust you
i hate myself
because i forgive you
i hate myself
because i love you

i know why all your girlfriends were insane
and i know why i love to be hurt
you – you inside me all these years
i was only a child
you already a master manipulator

you will be cold
and then contrite

A poem from last year about someone old and cold. He loved to talk about “inside-ness” and some strange predestined thing until I would almost believe him and then suddenly switch around and pretend he never said it and that it was all my idea. Pretty strong example of crazy-making and controlling.

I tried really hard to hate God and to blame God. Sometimes I’d even manage it for a minute or two, long enough to write it down and then realize that approach would never work for me. I just don’t see God like that naturally and on my own. I have my fits but I can’t really accept that “it’s in God’s plan” thing. I tend to think God’s plan is relationships of love and compassion and that he has to be constantly recalculating to account for people who like to control and hurt others to feel powerful. I think that the vast majority of suffering is human-cause by humans subjugating and oppressing others and that maybe Jesus’ work is about triumph over that oppression.

He did actually tell me that the reason he’d had no long term relationships was because all of his ex-girlfriends were insane. I called him on it and he said it had been a joke. Ha. *wheeze, hack, cough* ha. Of course they were, he was an expert crazy-maker.

I don’t hate myself anymore. I don’t even hate him. Actually, I kind-of almost feel sorry for him. He will never know what it is to be loved as he is for who he is. He is driven by his own shadow and ego. I hate the system of oppression that teaches people to dominate and control by any means necessary, that fractures people into a billion pieces and leaves them forever wounding others with their sharp edges. I think we are all born good into a broken world that immediately starts chipping pieces off us. Our parents learn if we are boys or girls before they even get to see our eyes and from there on out it is a process of turning us into our roles rather than ourselves.


About m

My ego wants to think I'm a writer but my heart knows I'm just another one of God's Kids who sometimes has words to say. 2 human kids and 3 feline kids call me Mom. Or Mooooooom. Or mewom, depending which you ask. My most recent completed endeavor was finishing BA's in Religious Studies and American Studies. I don't remember what free time is but I think I like to spend it sleeping or playing in the mud on a river bank.
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2 Responses to the price

  1. sellmaeth says:

    “I hate the system of oppression that teaches people to dominate and control by any means necessary, that fractures people into a billion pieces and leaves them forever wounding others with their sharp edges.”

    As a Christian, what do you think is the origin of this system? Do you blame some evil outside force (“the devil”, bluntly) or original sin, or whatever?

    I am an agnostic, and I often wonder whether people nowadays are actually different from the people who built the oppressive system in the first place. And if we can really effectively get rid of a system that was built by people who were no different from modern people.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. su says:

    Love it. Painfully truthful for many of us who only wanted to be loved, yet looked outside instead of within. Better late than never.


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