the hard place

the hard place 1.6.15
these conversations
are killing me
i’m tired of taking
the high road
and being nice
i cannot stand
my own company
when i am rude

the rock: keep my
own counsel and
follow my heart
and die
the hard place:
take a page
from your book
and die

no wonder you
are so often
trapped in guilt
and angrily flailing
with manners
like that

I’m rather ashamed to admit that I did borrow his page and play tit-for-tat. Funny thing that when I let go my own integrity and acted the mirror he didn’t much like it. Needless to say I felt terrible about behaving so rottenly. I don’t live by the “he did it first” rules of retribution. Or at least, I don’t want to. I’m making this attempt to live by the “love your enemies” rule. So far it’s the damned hardest thing I’ve ever done in my whole life. At least as challenging has rocking a baby in the PICU praying he lives to take another breath for weeks on end. Um, yeah. I like challenges, I really do. It’s just that this one is hard. I took multivariable calculus and a year of Latin both for fun. I think it’s pretty well established here that I may be a bit of a masochist. (Actually, I hate pain. Arch-nerd is probably more accurate as I love learning.) But “he started it” is no excuse for me. I wasn’t raised that way. Principles of non-violence are deep in my bones. And I don’t care what people say — words can be violent. Just because he is not responsible for his shit does not give me any excuse not to be responsible for my own.

About m

My ego wants to think I'm a writer but my heart knows I'm just another one of God's Kids who sometimes has words to say. 2 human kids and 3 feline kids call me Mom. Or Mooooooom. Or mewom, depending which you ask. I'm kinda-sorta busy being a student again; this time I signed myself up for a bizarre torture known as Graduate School. Theoretically in 4ish years I'll have earned some more nice letters to put with my name. Let's face it, I'm addicted to learning and probably need rehab to restore me to sanity and remove the obsession to read books. I don't remember what free time is but I think I like to spend it sleeping or playing in the mud on a river bank.
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