don’t

don’t
i tell you
about that abused
broken girl
living all these years
in prison
where at least
she is safe
and secure in chains

and you ask
why i never
spoke before
and i say
i am afraid
you won’t want me now
and you say
even then
you would have been
mature enough
not to hold it against me

but in a fit
of anger and
brutal honesty
you say
you will not want me
because you fear
my wounds will make me
not want you enough

you take that
deepest cut
and spit salt
and venom
on the exposed nerves

and i hurt
in a place beyond
words beyond tears

this is why no one knows me

i pray everyday
to learn to love you right
but you
fucking kill me again
and why god,
am i tied to this man
who is selfish and cruel?
i’ve spent 16 years
begging to cut those strings
and finally
submit to the harness
and begin
to feel joy again
to laugh and love
to want to dance and sing

i want to slam my book on his hand
like a bear trap
and what is wrong with me
that he takes my deepest pain
and tortures me with it
and i say i am sorry
for having been abused
and not being
enough fun for him

fuck you god
let him kill me already
no it isn’t fun
not like this
there can be no fun
in being a masochist

his hands i need
to heal me
but he uses them to cut me
his voice i need
to lift me
but he uses it to squash me
his arms i need
to hold me
but he uses them to crush me

and still i love him
God, until you free me
please please protect me

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About m

My ego wants to think I'm a writer but my heart knows I'm just another one of God's Kids who sometimes has words to say. 2 human kids and 3 feline kids call me Mom. Or Mooooooom. Or mewom, depending which you ask. My most recent completed endeavor was finishing BA's in Religious Studies and American Studies. I don't remember what free time is but I think I like to spend it sleeping or playing in the mud on a river bank.
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