worth

worth
my mask itches when i put it back on
from the tears depositing salt
silently so no one can see

the first shattering
when you left
and i loved you too much
to say stay
to ask you to wait
or to take me away

i was lost without you
the more so for never having
bravely honestly owned my truth to you

she tells me you should
come help me
an expert liar i shift the conversation
unable to say you think
i am not worth your effort
and i will not ask
for what you never offered

did i really fool you
with my pretense of sanity
and false strength and serenity?

you who were always inside of me
must surely have known
how i have been lost and lonely
how i needed you
longed for you
and always you abandoned me
angry to be cursed
with a cross to carry

she tells you i need friends
a wise woman she knows
the grief and suffering i keep inside

the place in me where you belong
calcified in scars and dried blood
from all the times
you left it vacant
in your childish refusal
to make any effort

why do i feel
worthless despised shamed
shunned abandoned?

because i am not
worth your time
i am not enough fun
too much work
too many mistakes i make
make me valuable
let me be
worth something anything

i do not care
that i wear
a scarlet letter

but seeing my shame
in your eyes
has bound me in chains
of misery and self loathing
you speak forgiving
but hold fast to my betrayal
i can’t get off my knees
until your hands
pull me up beside you

i keep trying
to shed the mask
and wash my face

but how can i be free
if you will neither finish killing me
nor willingly love the complete me
you have your freedom
and the security you can always come home to me
i have no liberty allowed me
and no haven granted me

when your hands
hold my broken cup a loft
and drink the bitter briny blood

taste the transformation
of sacrifice and death
becoming a bottomless spring
of life and love

About m

My ego wants to think I'm a writer but my heart knows I'm just another one of God's Kids who sometimes has words to say. 2 human kids and 3 feline kids call me Mom. Or Mooooooom. Or mewom, depending which you ask. I'm kinda-sorta busy being a student again; this time I signed myself up for a bizarre torture known as Graduate School. Theoretically in 4ish years I'll have earned some more nice letters to put with my name. Let's face it, I'm addicted to learning and probably need rehab to restore me to sanity and remove the obsession to read books. I don't remember what free time is but I think I like to spend it sleeping or playing in the mud on a river bank.
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2 Responses to worth

  1. Wow…very powerfully written. Xx
    Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

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