july 25

July 25 2009
i let you drive
you do not tell me where we are going

we try to talk
the conversation is stunted and trite
there is too much we cannot say

i settle into your presence
feeling little pricks of rain
rush through the open window
with the smell of clean pine
and summer in the mountains
we listen to country love songs
and i don’t need to ask
to know you picked them just for me

i do ask where you are taking me
and you say up, up the mountain

you joke about killing me, how it’s a great spot
to hide my body
i say that if anyone has the right to
do me in, it is you

we are sitting on dry grass and pine needles
you want me naked, cumming in your arms
i want to make love to you
almost as much
as i want
to belong to you

i do belong to you
i have ran from you
hidden from you
fucked a score of bastards
but i cannot escape fate
and i know that you
belong to me

i’ve turned down
a dozen proposals
never willing to give any man
my hand to lead me where he will

but i ask you
to marry me
knowing that
we have already
tortured each other
for more than a lifetime
and knowing that
i am old enough
to be willing
to do as you ask
weather it be following you to africa
or to keep a home for you to return to

again you threaten to take my life
i don’t know how to explain my submission
i am not done with life
my children are waiting for me
i would rather die with you, by your hand
happy in the sparse mountain forest
than live to watch you die
and have to find the will
without you
and i trust you completely
i know that you
won’t to it until it is time

i walk down the mountain
barefoot, my feet covered in blisters
and dust

it is pouring rain
we are both late
you play loud, throbbing music
tears trickle though my heart
but won’t show themselves on my face
i don’t know when i will see you again

my feet sting as i drive home
too fast and not from guilt over being late
to fetch my babies
i play angry, aching music
and pass cars a little too close

i am back in my sane life
the one where you aren’t
back in my little house
with my two kids two cats and a garden
i’ll go to work on Monday
and pretend i am only
an ordinary single mother
making the best of life

there is nothing ordinary
in the life of a woman
who met the man
she is bound to for eternity
when she was
still a girl

If you read to the end of that mouthful leave a comment so I can thank you personally for the time.

I debated publishing this.  “my honesty lives too close to the surface/and i fear writing/that i may not tell too much”

About m

My ego wants to think I'm a writer but my heart knows I'm just another one of God's Kids who sometimes has words to say. 2 human kids and 3 feline kids call me Mom. Or Mooooooom. Or mewom, depending which you ask. I'm kinda-sorta busy being a student again; this time I signed myself up for a bizarre torture known as Graduate School. Theoretically in 4ish years I'll have earned some more nice letters to put with my name. Let's face it, I'm addicted to learning and probably need rehab to restore me to sanity and remove the obsession to read books. I don't remember what free time is but I think I like to spend it sleeping or playing in the mud on a river bank.
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