cards

cards
i’ve carried this box of cards
for 13 years
blue & white
they’ve been everywhere
with me

the fateful trip to arizona
in the eighth grade
where i first thought
about how it would feel
to fly to death

camping in canyonlands
with the boy i loved
so innocently
that we could spend hours
playing cards in a tent
and emerge just as pure
as when we started

the anonymous floors
of countless greyhound stations
playing the game that can’t be won

counter tops in dirty diners
waiting for life to find me

how many seconds
have i spent
shuffling and dealing
the same deck over and over

i’ve played alone
most of my life
waiting
meditating
something to keep my hands busy
52 cards and 2 jokers
over and over and over

so much life
wasted in a hell
of shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle
deal
get high
trying to recreate
those simple
beautiful moments
playing cards
with the truest friend
i ever had
on a picnic table
in flagstaff
when i was too young
to know what i was giving up

i used to dream about him
all the time
to see us
living a simple life
alone in the wilderness

but that has been gone
a long long time
and many games
of solitaire ago

About m

My ego wants to think I'm a writer but my heart knows I'm just another one of God's Kids who sometimes has words to say. 2 human kids and 3 feline kids call me Mom. Or Mooooooom. Or mewom, depending which you ask. I'm kinda-sorta busy being a student again; this time I signed myself up for a bizarre torture known as Graduate School. Theoretically in 4ish years I'll have earned some more nice letters to put with my name. Let's face it, I'm addicted to learning and probably need rehab to restore me to sanity and remove the obsession to read books. I don't remember what free time is but I think I like to spend it sleeping or playing in the mud on a river bank.
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