why am i
punishing myself
because you hurt me?
your cold silence
and random response
complete lack
of responsibility
smother me
a blanket
of cold wet ash

when i fall off the wagon
i will be killing myself
just to prove
i can always hurt me
more than you can hurt me

so profound
it makes satan’s work
child’s play

i dared to love again
to break again
you were too happy
to taunt me

i want to make myself
miserable puking
dead on the bathroom floor
while it all spins around
and your cruelty
means nothing
to me anymore
begging God maybe i don’t
want to die
drunk on a winter’s night

no, when i spin off
and the illness breaks
in fever and delirium
it will be my choice
–God save me
make me whole–
aware and awake
to seek death
your choice to torture me
my choice to kill me

About m

My ego wants to think I'm a writer but my heart knows I'm just another one of God's Kids who sometimes has words to say. 2 human kids and 3 feline kids call me Mom. Or Mooooooom. Or mewom, depending which you ask. I'm kinda-sorta busy being a student again; this time I signed myself up for a bizarre torture known as Graduate School. Theoretically in 4ish years I'll have earned some more nice letters to put with my name. Let's face it, I'm addicted to learning and probably need rehab to restore me to sanity and remove the obsession to read books. I don't remember what free time is but I think I like to spend it sleeping or playing in the mud on a river bank.
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