ten years

Six years and one week ago I wrote this rather long, perfectly pathetic poem about a night before Valentine’s Day from ten years before that.  Confused yet?  So am I.  It is still the night before here on mountain standard time.  That phone call was 16 years ago right now.  I no longer remember much that was said.  And the caller was drunk making him rather hard to understand in the first place.

ten years
i hear your voice
after all these years
i still love you most

and you are older
and i am older

has it really been
ten years (minus one week)
from the first time you called me?

that night is yet so real
in my memory
i was fifteen years old
and it was valentines
and the phone i never answered
rang and rang and rang

i sat alone
in my cold bedroom
on the hardwood floor
and it rang and rang and rang
and when i picked it up
you needed me to pick you up
and we had already been
dancing around each other
just over a year

you were far away
you are far away
i am twenty-five
and your voice
still makes tingles on my spine

only once
in eleven years
have we had dinner together

and still i know
that i am yours
that you are mine
and 1 and 1 is ∫∞

we are more wrong
for each than ever

we joke about death
about blood on my hands
and who
gets to write
on who’s tombstone

but it isn’t really funny
when i hit replay in my mind
and know that you will die
without giving me
the only thing i’ve ever needed
in my whole life

i’ve gone crazy twice
the first time as a child
just become a woman
the year before i met you

and the second time
was when you
denied me
that thing i needed most
that time i lost my mind
in an abyss of self-loathing
and changed my life
so drastically
you never could forgive me
maybe never will

i know that when you go
i will want to go too
is this why
i still don’t try
too hard to save my own life?
that i fear your end more than my own

in our last life
you left me early
i wanted to follow
but would not leave your son
i remember waiting with him
in a dark damp house
for you to come back
knowing you could not
but fearing too much to say it

and in this life
i have altered the threads
of fate (too much?)
and my children
are not your children
and i don’t love them
quite the same way
and wonder
if they will have the power
to keep me here
when it comes time
that i want to be there
or will i
cave into temptation
and try at all costs
to follow
will i be able
to look at your tombstone
or will i see it
and lose myself
along with my mind?

i have been timid (terrified)
to give words
to what i see
these things
i know and feel
are too true
to be real

and i know i am still crazy inside
without you
but i have learned
more than ten years ago
to go on living
and looking fine
while myself
is gone

and i have screamed
at God
for playing this joke
that i am yet yours
when we are all wrong
it has done me no good
and my anger has simmered and cooled
while my fear daily grows

i would that i could
change the chains of fate
i have played a dangerous
game
leaving both of us
tormented

if only, if only, if only…

we should have run to mexico
when i was too young
to know any better
we’d still be running
from the law today
but atleast
we’d be running together
and not away from each other

i am scared
i’m crossing the line
that’s been dividing
me from me
for so many years

i’m crazy tonight
i know it
no sane girl
would ever love
anyone
the way i have always
loved you

somehow time
must twist on it self
to bring us back
to where we were
in that last life

i should have
said this
eleven
years ago
the truth
is the strangest
story i know
and i am just sane enough
to know
that when i see the truth
i am crazy
this is the why
that i am scared not just to lose you
but also to have you
that Truth
is too great
to be held in a mind
as small and sane as mine
and right now
as these words
are written with my pen
i know
that is (when)
that Truth
becomes my all
i am lost forever
to the world i know
and the me i am

and i must stop
and think of you no more
before i am
yours again

so when you die
please, my love
come home to me
this time
and at least
let me have
your body to hold
as you go
and let me, make me,
know that you are
not
coming back
soon
so that i
can live (or die)
completely
and not
spend another end
pining on hope
that can never
be fulfilled

i give back to you
the freedom you have always had
with only the catch
that you
let me hold you
at the end

joking aside
it will break me
completely
to see you
in pain
and while
my own pain
is enough
for me
to be able
to see
your blood
on my hands
i cannot bear
to think
of you hurting

and so
i have always
walked a line
with what i think
you want
and what i know
i need
pulling tearing me apart

and i think
that seldom
have you considered
me
in walking your path

maybe 36 years
walking alone
before we met
was too long
and you forgot
in all that time
that i would come
and would need you
as much as you
need me

in ten years
everything is different
nothing has changed

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About m

My ego wants to think I'm a writer but my heart knows I'm just another one of God's Kids who sometimes has words to say. 2.5 human kids and 3 feline kids call me Mom. Or Mooooooom. Or mewom, depending which you ask. My most recent completed endeavor was finishing BA's in Religious Studies and American Studies. I don't remember what free time is but I think I like to spend it sleeping or playing in the mud on a river bank.
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