I was here, and then I left again. Typical flaky addict move.
I was living a quite life, keeping a garden, listening to birds while hanging the wash on the line. And when I would go out and be quite and shut off my busy brain God would whisper, “hey girl, there is more for you, you have work to do.”
And an old friend showed up on Facebook and started sending me these annoying links to sermons and blog posts spreading ideas of Love and Grace, compassion and social justice.
And I watched a few people I care about get in deep with drugs and alcohol, run into legal problems and destroy families. So I figured maybe it was time to turn my brain back on. To give up my recreational relationship with Mary Jane. Time to make myself useful in the world. Time to use my gifts and do something with myself. Time to write. Time to take a stand and stand for something.
It wasn’t so simple. I had to run head first into a wall and fall down a hole to hell. So I’ve been in a 12 Step program. I’ve been in church. I’ve been in Sunday School and Bible Study. I’ve been reading. I’ve been praying. I’ve been learning. I’ve been listening. I’ve been filling composition books with words. I’ve been growing my wings back.
It’s been the ride of a life time. There are days I find myself low and lonely, longing for the familiarity of old routines and comfort. There are moments I think, “so this is what life is really about” and am blessed with a glimpse of serenity and clarity. I have had a hundred small miracles and a few big miracles.
Today was a great day. I had a challenging drive in torrential rains racing from Bible Study to the school pick up line. My daughter smashed a toe. My closest friend was rude and has been mean and nasty for the last several days. My fluffy cat knocked over two potted plants, spilling dirt and stinky water everywhere. I sat in a room of people twenty years older than me listening to history lessons for an hour and a half, few of them spoke to me and many seemed to be sure I didn’t belong there.
Today was a great day. I used no drugs or alcohol. I was honest, open and willing. I learned. I loved. I was courageous. I sang soothing lullabies. I cleaned mud. I made a gift for my friend.