Just F*%@ing Fine, Thank You

Which is really to say that I’ve fallen apart, can’t put myself back together again, and know that no one really cares.

I feel very much alone.  I know that I am infinitly better off alone than I’d be with a ball and chain around my ankle dragging me down.  But, damn-it, I need something human and adult.

I Facebook stalk, just for the illusion that I still have friends.  I look through pictures my First Serious Crush’s wife took of him.  In eight grade I was the only one who wanted him.  Damn, he’s really hot now.  And married with beautiful children.  And I wish that I could have been content with him when I could have had him.  Wish that I’d bowed my fool neck and joined his church.  Wish that I hadn’t wanted so badly to learn everything, even the dark, that I was willing to loose the most beautiful relationship I ever had.  I hope he doesn’t ever stumble upon this, because I’m sure he’d recognize himself.  And he has found a happy life which I ought to stay away from, as I have always and only wished him the best.  But sigh.

And really, I am quite blessed to have friends and family and even co-workers who care for me.  It’s just that between kids and work I’m practically locked up all the time.  When I do have an evening that isn’t used to manically catch-up on housework I still can’t afford a baby-sitter.  Once in a while my mom takes the kids but so often I beg her for emergency favors that I hate to ask her to give up a Saturday night.  Everytime I ask if there’s a weekend she could take them she says she’ll check her schedual.

I’m too poor to do much anyways, by the time the bills are paid there’s nothing left.  I spent everything I had to take the kids to Sonic after their check-up and shots.  OK, actually there’s a 5 hidden in my car incase of energencies and a 50 hidden somewhere.

I used to take my books down to the coffee shop when I needed company.  I never had to study long before I’d run into someone I knew from somewhere.  I can’t do that with 2 kids sleeping.  I can’t do that when my goof-off fund is down to nothing.  I buy a magazine every month and a Sunday paper 2 weeks out of 3.  Exciting.  Seriously, I have 1 TV channel and kidnap my neighbors wireless when the signal reaches this far.

And I really need just to have an adult interaction.  I’ve been invited to a church function where they might have a free nursery where the kids can play.  I’m lonely enough that if they offer child care I think I’ll go.  And pretend that I’m just fucking fine, thank you.  I have a good poker face.

About m

My ego wants to think I'm a writer but my heart knows I'm just another one of God's Kids who sometimes has words to say. 2 human kids and 3 feline kids call me Mom. Or Mooooooom. Or mewom, depending which you ask. I'm kinda-sorta busy being a student again; this time I signed myself up for a bizarre torture known as Graduate School. Theoretically in 4ish years I'll have earned some more nice letters to put with my name. Let's face it, I'm addicted to learning and probably need rehab to restore me to sanity and remove the obsession to read books. I don't remember what free time is but I think I like to spend it sleeping or playing in the mud on a river bank.
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