Just F*%@ing Fine, Thank You

Which is really to say that I’ve fallen apart, can’t put myself back together again, and know that no one really cares.

I feel very much alone.  I know that I am infinitly better off alone than I’d be with a ball and chain around my ankle dragging me down.  But, damn-it, I need something human and adult.

I Facebook stalk, just for the illusion that I still have friends.  I look through pictures my First Serious Crush’s wife took of him.  In eight grade I was the only one who wanted him.  Damn, he’s really hot now.  And married with beautiful children.  And I wish that I could have been content with him when I could have had him.  Wish that I’d bowed my fool neck and joined his church.  Wish that I hadn’t wanted so badly to learn everything, even the dark, that I was willing to loose the most beautiful relationship I ever had.  I hope he doesn’t ever stumble upon this, because I’m sure he’d recognize himself.  And he has found a happy life which I ought to stay away from, as I have always and only wished him the best.  But sigh.

And really, I am quite blessed to have friends and family and even co-workers who care for me.  It’s just that between kids and work I’m practically locked up all the time.  When I do have an evening that isn’t used to manically catch-up on housework I still can’t afford a baby-sitter.  Once in a while my mom takes the kids but so often I beg her for emergency favors that I hate to ask her to give up a Saturday night.  Everytime I ask if there’s a weekend she could take them she says she’ll check her schedual.

I’m too poor to do much anyways, by the time the bills are paid there’s nothing left.  I spent everything I had to take the kids to Sonic after their check-up and shots.  OK, actually there’s a 5 hidden in my car incase of energencies and a 50 hidden somewhere.

I used to take my books down to the coffee shop when I needed company.  I never had to study long before I’d run into someone I knew from somewhere.  I can’t do that with 2 kids sleeping.  I can’t do that when my goof-off fund is down to nothing.  I buy a magazine every month and a Sunday paper 2 weeks out of 3.  Exciting.  Seriously, I have 1 TV channel and kidnap my neighbors wireless when the signal reaches this far.

And I really need just to have an adult interaction.  I’ve been invited to a church function where they might have a free nursery where the kids can play.  I’m lonely enough that if they offer child care I think I’ll go.  And pretend that I’m just fucking fine, thank you.  I have a good poker face.


About m

My ego wants to think I'm a writer but my heart knows I'm just another one of God's Kids who sometimes has words to say. 2 human kids and 3 feline kids call me Mom. Or Mooooooom. Or mewom, depending which you ask. My most recent completed endeavor was finishing BA's in Religious Studies and American Studies. I don't remember what free time is but I think I like to spend it sleeping or playing in the mud on a river bank.
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