Which is really to say that I’ve fallen apart, can’t put myself back together again, and know that no one really cares.
I feel very much alone. I know that I am infinitly better off alone than I’d be with a ball and chain around my ankle dragging me down. But, damn-it, I need something human and adult.
I Facebook stalk, just for the illusion that I still have friends. I look through pictures my First Serious Crush’s wife took of him. In eight grade I was the only one who wanted him. Damn, he’s really hot now. And married with beautiful children. And I wish that I could have been content with him when I could have had him. Wish that I’d bowed my fool neck and joined his church. Wish that I hadn’t wanted so badly to learn everything, even the dark, that I was willing to loose the most beautiful relationship I ever had. I hope he doesn’t ever stumble upon this, because I’m sure he’d recognize himself. And he has found a happy life which I ought to stay away from, as I have always and only wished him the best. But sigh.
And really, I am quite blessed to have friends and family and even co-workers who care for me. It’s just that between kids and work I’m practically locked up all the time. When I do have an evening that isn’t used to manically catch-up on housework I still can’t afford a baby-sitter. Once in a while my mom takes the kids but so often I beg her for emergency favors that I hate to ask her to give up a Saturday night. Everytime I ask if there’s a weekend she could take them she says she’ll check her schedual.
I’m too poor to do much anyways, by the time the bills are paid there’s nothing left. I spent everything I had to take the kids to Sonic after their check-up and shots. OK, actually there’s a 5 hidden in my car incase of energencies and a 50 hidden somewhere.
I used to take my books down to the coffee shop when I needed company. I never had to study long before I’d run into someone I knew from somewhere. I can’t do that with 2 kids sleeping. I can’t do that when my goof-off fund is down to nothing. I buy a magazine every month and a Sunday paper 2 weeks out of 3. Exciting. Seriously, I have 1 TV channel and kidnap my neighbors wireless when the signal reaches this far.
And I really need just to have an adult interaction. I’ve been invited to a church function where they might have a free nursery where the kids can play. I’m lonely enough that if they offer child care I think I’ll go. And pretend that I’m just fucking fine, thank you. I have a good poker face.