originally written November 11
I’m not very good at sharing. But I am trying to learn.
I want to share my life with BF, but so much of it has been mine alone for so long that I don’t know how.
In particular, I have no experience sharing my kids. I am used to being the only adult who is consistently part of their lives. Icks sees them nearly every weekend but he is not around for Tuesday morning when no one wants to get out of bed and we’re 20 minutes late already. Grandma sees them often (except she’s out of town for most of this month) but she mostly spoils them with treats and TV. They see their teachers everyday but the turn over at the school is (too) high and the schedules often change. Until now I have been their rock, the one grown up who is always there and can be counted on to meet their needs and look out for them. And I am used to getting all the sticky hugs, the fresh-picked dandelions, the demands for make it better kisses.
Single Mom Seeking’s post on discipline comes at a good time for me. Because as I learn to let someone share in my trials and joys as a parent this issue is starting to come up for us. If we really have a future together he needs to have a relationship of love and respect with my kids. They need to know that he is another rock they can rely on. PB seems to be starting to trust him more, the first sign being that he’s really testing the limits. He wants to know if the rules are still the rules. J is small enough that she is fine to let anyone (she sees often enough to trust at all) distract her with an appropriate activity if she veers into trouble.
And BF seems to really want to do the right thing. He wants to become a part of my family, wants to be good to both me and my kids. But sometimes he doesn’t know how to go about it, doesn’t have much experience with kids, doesn’t know where my limits are. And so he is hesitant to get too involved.
For the most part I think it best to (slowly) let them work it out themselves. I don’t want to have a family where I must always referee between my kids and my man. But I also don’t want these people I love so much to think that I don’t care enough to help them through the process.
I am learning to share my children, the most important part of my life, and it is so hard. I have tried to take things slow, to let him be around, to let them all get used to each other, without having it be too serious too soon. But things are quite serious between us now, we might not be forever but baring trauma this is going to be a long term serious relationship. And so now I have to learn to let the compartments of my life, my heart, bleed into each other.
Last night was a hard night. Everyone had had long, difficult days. And the evening didn’t go very well. I got the kids in bed before BF came over (we’d gone to his house for pizza earlier) and we had one of those talks. I went to check on my kids. And they were sleeping so peacefully. So I pulled BF back to their room with me. And we stood quietly in each other’s arms and listened to them breath. Sharing the moment. It was so beautiful, and I was so happy to have someone who could be with me for that instant of tranquility.