My parents sent me back an forth for most of my formative years. I never belonged anywhere. I still stumble when asked where I’m from. Short answer: I was born in Colorado.
These days I’ve got the same empty, homeless feeling I had as a kid. Like I’m always out of place, like I don’t fit in.
In fact, I’ve got alot of great community here. The problem arises from work. I’m the wrong everything. I’m a skinny little white girl. I’m a single mother. I don’t go to church. This makes me a minority of exactly one. I don’t just face a double standard, I have to prove myself on all fronts all the time. I’m tired of proving myself. I’m tired of being ignored, marginalized. I’m tired of getting to live by rules written just for me. This feeling has been slowly building for a while but I realized I was crying today. Literally. Crying.
I’m usually much stronger than this, I take life as it is and shrug off the BS. Afterall, I’m sure that there’s just as much bull everywhere else. If anything I’ve probably got it pretty easy where I’m at. I used to wait tables, I got to see how the industry opperates around here, I know what goes on behind the doors. It can be pretty ugly. I knew I was getting into this when I went back to school for a technical education. I’ve had to fight tooth and nail to get this far. I’m not giving up. But I did really need to share that, to know that somewhere in the world someone has read these words and knows how I feel.
It will be better tomorrow. That’s what I told myself last Thursday. I convinced myself I had PMS and was being silly and sensitive. But now I think that I need to learn how to be more assertive. I don’t want to be branded a complainer but I’ve got to do something. And maybe I am being a tad over sensitive. I do often tend to make mountains out of mole hills, to take things to heart when they shouldn’t even be taken at face-value. I don’t know, I’m all confused and insecure. Maybe it really will be better after I shower and sleep. Usually life looks much brighter in the morning. So now that I’ve had my little bit of bitching I’m going to spend a few minutes taking care of myself (for a change) and try to get nearly a full night’s sleep if I can manage it.