As I type this:
My co-worker left his radio on right at the threshhold of my hearing when he went to lunch. This happens alot. I still can’t tune it out.
The old trailor my office is in squeaks and creaks. It’s depressing. Luckily I spent so much time in the virtual world of AutoCAD I don’t often notice it.
Clouds boil in the sky. It is damp and humid.
I hear papers rustling and my own typing.
My tummy growls. I forgot to eat again. That is getting to be too much of a pattern. I’m so tired I feel queasy and don’t want food. It’s messing up my metabolism. All that stuff about lack of sleep causing weight gain is true. The only thing that’s changed is that I never sleep enough any more and I’ve put on five pounds while actually eating less. Ugh.
I see pictures of my kids out of the corner of my eye.
My head’s starting to throb. I’ve been getting alot of headaches. Don’t know if that’s the sleep thing again or stress.
I’m trying to keep focused on the here and now. This is a struggle. My tendency is to be everywhere but here. Or it is now. Once upon a time I was only here and now, refusing to remember the past and afraid of the future. Right now I want to make a list of stuff to pack for our weekend away. Another dumb Facebook quiz is rattling around in there. I’m wondering if I have the guts to do what I want to do. I’m worried because my mentor’s getting ready to leave for along stretch again. I have an itch to play card games on the computer. I’ve spent too much time in the last day analyzing the old negative tracks the play in my mind, thinking about how easy life was when my coping skills consisted of getting high. And how awful all that really was, but how hard it can be to replace a pattern like that with something healthy. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, I’ve done remarkably well at just walking away from it all.
And again, I’m not here and now anymore. My brain is running away from me again. Focus. Listen. See. Sense. Smell. Taste.
I want to brush my teeth. The coffee I’ve been drinking has been sitting there all morning. I smell rain and laser toner. I see the light wiggle when trucks drive by. I hear voices and movement. Sigh. That’s better.