I decided that I like The Manipulative Child well enough to re-read it with the idea to try the ideas on managing PB a bit better. It has also shed entirely too much light on my dificulties with Icks.
He is still functioning like a manipulative preschooler. He is throwing a tantrum because I have made changes in myself which are making it harder and harder for him to get what he wants. By not taking responsibility for his problems, by not giving him attention, I have made it so that he has to pull it together himself. This has been along time in the works. And I’m starting to see his nastiness Sunday as just yet another way of trying to put things back the way he liked them. It’s just not gonna happen.
He has this dilusion that some day I might change my mind and get back together with him. But when I look at him know I think What the hell was I thinking? Most of this is that his entire approach to life is a huge turn off. He has the victim mentality where he won’t take responsibility for making his life better, he seems to like to wallow in yesterday’s cess-pool. Nothing is ever his fault, it is always something someone did to him. Ugh. So unattractive. Also, he says things that make me want to smack him. Here’s a direct quote from 2 days ago: “so, if the mother is fucking someone she can just cut the father out?” WTF? The last, smallest reason, is that he keeps putting on more and more weight. It’s gross. I see no reason to discriminate against fat people but I also have every right to not be attracted to them.
He doesn’t seem to understand that it’s not me, it’s him. He and only he can change the way he opperates in life. I can’t give him self esteem, I can’t make him be responsible, I can’t change him. And I’m not going to try.
So, by not letting him take the easy way, by insisting that he show his supposed love for his daughter by pulling his head out and taking it on himself to come see her, by not nagging him, by not giving into his whims and tantrums; I have pulled the rug out from under him. That’s most of what our relationship ended up being. He was all talk and no action. He’d do anything to keep my eyes on him. Even throwing tantrums and saying hurtful lies.
What was the last straw, when I completely ended it? I was nearly 6 months pregnant with J. I’d already got her little bassinet set up at the foot of my bed. He said that he wanted me to have an abortion. To this day he insists that I just misunderstood him. I’m not buying it. Bending reality to fit his immediate situation is one of his specialties. I’ll have to get into the crazy making, the lose-lose propositions tomorrow, because that was another hallmark of our relationship.