I hadn’t been up very long, J let me sleep late this morning, and he “had to sit down” every 10 minutes or so. So I expressed my concern for both his health and safety. Using the concrete examples of the past few weeks “it’s just a cold.” He promised to call the doctor first thing Monday. And I explained how I’d get my work schedual changed because I was worried. He tried to manipulate me into preserving the status quo with “but I don’t want to inconvienence you” but I held firm and insisted. This has been going on for months now. He doesn’t want to face the fact that he’s getting older and no loner able to function as well.
It’s hard to watch someone get old, get sick, get ready to die on day at a time. I think I’ve been allowing myself to be manipulated because I don’t want to see it either. He is part of my family, has been part of my family for 25 years.
This will also be another adjustment for my kids. And they’ll be in daycare 10 or 11 hours a day. That is a long time. I have confidence in their ability to adapt and adjust but I still don’t like it at all. I know it is selfish but I want to stay home with them. I know they don’t Need me all of the time, that it is my first job to make sure they have the things they need; but I still don’t like having to leave them for so long. But I know that this is what I need to do, that atleast I don’t have to worry about the daycare teachers passing out or forgetting to close a bottle of pills. And they are happy enough there, they’ve been at the same center for long enough now to be well adjusted to the routine.
Maybe I’ll win the lottery and then I’ll be able to get him help, to work less, to put my world the way I want it to be. I’ve taken enough math to prove that my chances of winning the lottery are the same weather I buy a ticket or not. But maybe I’ll start playing anyway.