I’m realizing that I need to either A) have my housemate move out or B) see some dramatic changes in how things are. While having an extra adult around has made my life as single mother much easier I am beginning to see too many negative results from the time he spends with my children. They have learned to throw a tantrum to get what they want. My four year old will insist that he can’t put his shoes on or brush his teeth. And something doesn’t feel right, something I can’t quite put my finger on but which grows stronger everyday nonetheless. He insists that he wants to be part of my family, that he wants to share raising my kids but at the same time he won’t step up and take any real responsibility. There is no romantic relationship between us, just a friendship that is, in many ways, much more like a family relationship, so I don’t have the emotional problems that go along with a breakup but still a strong feeling of anxiety and sadness that it has come to this.
When he goes visiting PB does not throw fits, J does not insist on being carried and entertained all the time. Our house feels much more peaceful, I feel better.
I don’t want to have to throw him out, I’m not sure he can make it on his own. He has no where to go, his daughter lives far away and has alot on her plate too. But I’m not sure that I have what it takes to take care of another person and he is starting to need caretaking. I’m torn. I know that I can’t deal with the status quo any longer, that I’ve got to do something.
I’ve decided on my first step atleast. Monday I’m going to talk to my boss about changing my schedual so that I don’t have to leave him and the kids alone every morning. Friday he “had a coughing fit in the back yard and couldn’t get up afterwards.” Both his physical and mental health are deteriorating to the point that I worry what could happen. So I’ll start small. Maybe it will be enough to make things better.
The problem with changing my schedual is that I will loose the flexablity of putting in extra hours incase of illness or accident and I’ll loose those lovely Friday afternoons I get when there haven’t been any problems all weeks. It could seriously cut into my income of I end up missing hours alot. Oh well, I’ll put my entire tax refund in the bank and that will take some pressure off in that department. I won’t need to worry quite so much about ending up homeless or hungry.
Sigh. I don’t like this. But I don’t really see any other options. My kids need me more than they need cool stuff. I think that if I’m careful I can handle a small drop in income without cutting any basics. The other thing is that I get to pay double insurance premiums for the next 2 months so I’ll be loosing a chunk there already. Oh well, PB & J need me to look out for them in more than a purely physical sense. As long as they are fed, clothed, and housed it’s good enough for that part. But part of taking care of the basics is knowing that they are well cared for in my absence and I am no longer sure of this, therefore I must change something. Wish my luck, I’m afraid I’m about to need it. No one wants to be faced with the reality that they have aged to the point of no longer being safe alone with kids, but it’s become the truth. I’ll try to be gentle but I know that no matter how I handle it, it is a sore spot for him and it will upset him. Double sigh.