too much at once

The topic I most want to write about is the one that is also the riskiest for me to write down anywhere at all.  It’s driving me crazy today.  I know something but I’m not allowed to say.  I can keep a secret, I’ll not even mention the topic.

I’ve always been better at keeping secrets for other people than trying to keep my own.  There’s nothing in my life that isn’t known to at least one other person.  Consequently I have learned not to do anything I don’t want everyone to know about.  I’ll have to tell someone and word gets around fast.  But when the secret isn’t mine to share my lips are sealed and there’s nothing that can crack them open.  Even my own squirming, burning itch to tell.  But this ones fixing to burn a hole in my fingers with my urge to write it down… so I’ll move onto another topic and try to forget it.  I’ve been trying to forget for a while and it isn’t going well.  Anyways, something unrelated to think about instead.

The wind’s been slowly picking up all week.  I broke down and started in on the allergy pills tonight.  My head feels like a traffic jam.  My eyes are all squinty and red.  My nose drips when it’s not too congested to let anything move.  Gross, I know.

It doesn’t help that I spent alot of yesterday on a work field trip that required significant tromping around in the dust.  But it was a cool field trip.  My mentor has returned from his sabatical and suddenly work is much, much better.  I now have a bit of a buffer between myself and the economic tensions.  There’s someone else who would stick up for me, who has plans for me.  I like knowing that I have a future and not just a past.  It’s comforting.  Anyways, Mentor has returned and we got to take a field trip to a new facility we’ll be moving some of our operations to.  I’m way excited to get to work on new stuff.  First I get to help with all the planning drawings, then later I’ll be the drafter out there so I’ll get to work on all kinds of different things.  I’m thrilled.

I like having a work mentor.  I’m just lucky to have clicked with someone who has years of experience in my field.  It makes all the difference in the world.  I’ve spent alot of my life in need of a good teacher and I’ve finally found one.  The only problem is that he travels a lot so I’m getting better at asking questions and piecing answers together via email.  I don’t know if I could handle the job if there weren’t people looking out for me, looking over my shoulder and willing to help if I ask.  But it’s nice to have a go-to source.  And a real bonus to have a go-to who’s also someone you enjoy.  Of course, we (I) have gotten in trouble for getting off topic and talking to much.  Especially right now I’m trying to be very careful not to say or do anything that isn’t firmly in the work category.  This is part of what made it such an enjoyable field trip.  It was mostly a scout mission and involved a lot of just looking at things and exploring.  And it’s a bit of a drive so we got to discuss such interesting (hey, I’m a geek) topics as epoxy chemistry and European real estate.  That’s what happens when you get two trivia junkies together. See, I just told you I can’t keep my own secrets.  In two sentences I’ve confessed to being both a geek and trivia junkie.

I did have a weird dream last night as a result of the trip.   A fairly generic dream about and abandoned warehouse and office building.  It wasn’t as creepy as opening random doors off a dark hallway to discover flickering lights and funny smells.  I swear (and we’re both smokers and he smelled it too) there must be an abandoned lunch or a dead rodent in one of those rooms.  It was gross.  Otherwise I got an education and a half and an afternoon of good company.  But walking around in the wind and dust did a number on me.  Thankfully I could only work a half day today anyway so I came home early and stole a few hours for myself.  I’d like to say that it was super relaxing and I really needed it but i ended up pacing a lot.  That secret’s going to wear a hole in my floor.  If I wasn’t so exhausted I’d consider having a drink to try to muffle it a bit but I know that I’d have about a half a swallow and fall asleep.  I just hope it doesn’t follow me to bed and catch up with my dreams tonight.   I really want that deep dreamless sleep.  I really need that deep dreamless sleep.  I’m worn out.

About m

My ego wants to think I'm a writer but my heart knows I'm just another one of God's Kids who sometimes has words to say. 2 human kids and 3 feline kids call me Mom. Or Mooooooom. Or mewom, depending which you ask. I'm kinda-sorta busy being a student again; this time I signed myself up for a bizarre torture known as Graduate School. Theoretically in 4ish years I'll have earned some more nice letters to put with my name. Let's face it, I'm addicted to learning and probably need rehab to restore me to sanity and remove the obsession to read books. I don't remember what free time is but I think I like to spend it sleeping or playing in the mud on a river bank.
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