23 Jan
I’ve been cooped up with 2 small children for 4 days straight. This would be no problem if we could go outside, get to town, do something. But it’s nasty out the door. So we have been trapped in this little house, waiting out the storm.
I love being home with the kiddos. We’ve had a good time. But I’m also starting to get a sever case of cabin fever. No one has had a nap yet. Maybe I’ll serve PB & J for dinner and put everyone to bed at 6 tonight.
10 Jan
J will be 2 on Tuesday. Her party’s tomorrow.
I have a two year old. And a five year old. How’d that happen? Who are these little people and where’d my babies go?
She dresses herself. She uses the potty. She talks. And walks. She pretends to talk on the telephone. She likes fluffy pink things. She loves her baby dolls. She has my eyes. She can go from sunny to tempest in seconds. She likes the sound of herself saying no. She stands up for herself.
She thinks things through. She’s bright. She’s funny. She won’t let go of BF now that he’s back. She loves markers. She sociable yet reserved. She has her own opinions. She’s my little girl now.
7 Jan
Five has been really good for PB. Suddenly he’s a big kid.
I got food on my hands. He “rolled” my sleaves up for me so I could wash them.
He wants to know all about “what the sun eats” and “why is it dark already” and “is there sperm in my feet.” Yes, seriously, all of those questions have been asked in the last month. I can see is thought process now as he tries to reason thinks out. He eats, the sun must eat. The sun goes down more than 4 hours earlier than it did a few months ago. If eggs and sperm make babies and he was a baby then it must be somewhere.
His art is amazing. I’ve always been impressed with his ability to draw, and I’m a drafter. The subjects that he’s been drawing recognizably for 3 years suddenly have details. And he’s trying rudimentary prespective drawing. The cars now have three wheels because if you look at an angle that’s how many you see.
He woke up instead of wetting his bed the other night. I know because he didn’t flush.
He’s gentle with cats and smaller kids (when he wants to be).
Now if I could just convince him that the only aliens he’s likely to see are in movies…. Did I mention that he’s got a lot of imagination to go with it all?
4 Jan
I feel as if I owe a bit of an explanation for having not been here much. I have, after all, had more time on my hands rather than less.
The first reason I offer is that much of what’s been going through my head needs to stay out of view. My dark side’s been giving me a run for it and it’s taken a lot to insure that those monsters stay chained up. Enough said.
The second reason is that I’ve been putting as much as I could into my kids. They’ve needed me. And I want them to remember holidays as family time.
The third reason is that BF’s had some serious health problems (which I’ll not mention, as I feel that it’s his place to decide how much my readers I know) and I’ve been trying to get up to visit him as much as possible. I know, after The List you were probably wondering if there’d been a break up. There hasn’t. For now. This ties back to reason one. Maybe I’m not relationship material.
The fourth reason is that I’ve been, gasp, writing with pen and paper quite a bit. See first reason.
Flimsy excuses, I know. I ought to be blogging furiously what with all the material that’s fallen on me the last few weeks. But somehow I just haven’t been able to do it. My mind races furiously and I can’t seem to set any of it out.
22 Dec
The water heater’s out. My landlord came by, it’s supposed to be fixed tomorrow. I’ll really need a shower by the time I get home.
PB woke me up in the middle of the night. I didn’t question him too hard when he said he was too sick for school this morning. After taking J in we went to down and got the last of the Christmas shopping done.
I haven’t had more than seconds of adult contact for days. I even listened to the none sense spewing out of the checker’s lips as advise. I’m getting desperate for anyone over the age of 5.
I’m tired and sore and achy. I want a hot bath and then bed. I want someone to talk to. I want to cry. But I hate washing in cold water so I’m doing everything I can to keep myself upbeat and distracted.
21 Dec
My poor little Poka Bear’s still ill. He put himself to bed at 4:30. This is unusual enough that I keep checking on him.
We were supposed to go to a get together at our neighbors. But it maybe just as well that I won’t wake a sleeping, sick child. I’m all wrung out. I was up half the night with the little guy. I’ve pushed myself like crazy to clean today. I’d intended to shop, run errands, and bake; none of which happened. I just couldn’t make the poor kid go out in the cold and deal with crowds. But I bet I sleep soundly tonight (except for when I wake worried and have to go put a hand on his head for a minute) and the house looks better than it has in months. I told the kids we had to get/keep everything nice and neat so Santa’s got room to bring new stuff.
J’s been a real trooper, putting up with PB getting extra attention/medicine/cold wet treats. OK, she got a popsicle too. And having him crash so early gave her a whole evening to be the only one. And she likes to help. She even picked up the train set her brother left on the floor when he fell asleep. Without being asked. As soon as I start to worry that she’s abnormally good and goes along with other people to easily she reminds me that she’s strong willed and hates people she doesn’t know well. That’s my girl.
21 Dec
BF injured himself. I won’t say doing what. But he’s at home. Which is just as well as there’s nothing I could do for him and I haven’t got the energy to listen to him whine about it or baby him. Also, I really think he should have gone to Urgent Care yesterday and he insists on waiting for Monday.
So the kids and I are on our own. PB’s sick. Really sick. He was exceptionally mellow and easy going. Then he said he was cold so I took his temperature, gave him some Tylenol and told him to rest for a few minutes. He insisted he would be all better in time to go to Grandpa’s for Winter Solstice this afternoon. Then (having wet his own bed last night) he put himself to sleep in his sister’s bed at 10am. He woke up at 11:30 seeming much better and again insisted we still needed to go to Grandpa’s.
We got to Grandpa’s and he didn’t want to get off the couch, not for anything. He felt hot to the touch so I ran out for a bottle of Ibuprofen. Half an hour later he was back to his cheerful self. We made it home (with on emergency potty stop, and he did manage to hold it long enough) and he wouldn’t walk in from the car. So I got J and part of our stuff in and came back to carry him. I put him on the floor and went to make up his bed and get the PJ’s out. Five minutes later he was still curled up in his coat. I pulled the coat off and burned myself on his hot little neck. So after another temperature taking I gave him more Tylenol and some water. He’d just swallowed when he said he was going to throw up. Much as I tried to fly, we didn’t make it in time. He lost it all over himself, me, the floor, everywhere. Poor J wanted to know what was going on and got yelled at to stay away.
And I really needed an extra pair of hands. But I managed. J’s tucked in bed, sleeping. PB’s sleeping in the living room, I wanted him close and Not on the top bunk. My mom bailed me out be running over a little bit of laundry soap so the worst of the mess’s on spin cycle right now. I’m waiting for the hot water to catch back up so I can have a shower and get it out of my hair. Yes, it really went every where. Good thing I have short hair now. It’s all neatly tucked in a bandana. And I’m wearing clothes that were in need of a washing when I took then off this morning. Soon, I will be all clean. I’ve taken care of everyone else, now I get to take care of myself.
Maybe it ’s better that no one has to see me like this…. But damn would it have ever been nice to have head someone to hand me the paper towels so I wouldn’t have had no choice but to track it all the way across the kitchen. I almost asked J to bring me her blanket, as it was the only thing she could have reached that might have helped.
15 Dec
PB turned 5 on Saturday. And he’s in the middle of a growth spurt. Clothes that fit fine last week leave his wrists sticking out several inches. My 5lb4oz baby’s a small boy who can put together legos and tell elaborate tales of adventure. He’s starting to read and write.
I’m so proud of my Poka Bear, who won’t actually let me call him that anymore, but I still miss my baby. And I feel old.
The birthday party went well. Too bad he’s not allowed to inivte school friends. The policy there is everybody of nobody and, as my house is small and it’s freezing out, that means nobody. Poor kid.
I’m always nervous with the potentially explosive mix of family and friends we have all crowded together. But somehow they all manage to bite their tongues and be nice for a few hours for my kids.
We ate cake out of a dump truck. That’s right. Really. I served “dirt, mud and rocks” in the back of a huge Tonka. It was much easier than last years Little Bear cake. If not quite as cute as the year he had a track hoe digging a hole in his cake. I’m not very good at the neat, pretty frosting thing so I get clever. I’ve built cakes with foil rail road tracks. I like making boy cakes, they like it if their cake can pass for a load of fill. I managed a few flowers for J’s cake last year. But I have no idea what to do for this year.
Oh yes, my littlest baby turns 2 exactly one month after my bigger baby turns 5. Sigh. They grow up to fast. I blinked and suddenly there’s this little man in my house who thinks he doesn’t need my any more.
8 Dec
wow… have I been slacking. Did you give up on me? Do I have a good excuse for having not been here?
It’s been a crazy couple of weeks. I even missed my blog’s birthday. How sad. I’d intented to write a post outlining all the changes in the last year. But perhaps the biggest change is that I never get the time to sit and write.
I feel out of sync with myself. I need some quality me and only me time. I was thrilled to sit in the car and wait this morning. I got to play kid-inapproprate music and a decible level I’d never let them hear and read the newspaper. It was lovely.
Right, why was a sitting in the car doing nothing on Monday morning? Don’t I have, like, a job and stuff? Well, I took the day off to be there for BF taking his liscense exam. And yes, he passed. I knew he would. And I refuse to think of anything to say if he didn’t, but yeah, I was nervous for him. Everything went well untill we ran into snow on the way home. Driving 80 miles in a near white out. And I did hurt his feelings by not letting him drive my car in a blizzard. I’m from Colorado, I know what I’m doing. He’s from New Mexico and has already wrecked one car in the snow. But hey, we still made it in time for me to let him out at his place and only be minutes later than normal getting the kids at daycare.
OK, so I went for him but yes, it was also with the thought that it would be good for me. Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the crazy season here. Between the end of November and the middle of January we have 4 holidays (T-day, Winter Solstice, Christmas, New Years) and 7 birthdays (In-law, PB, Great Grandpa, G’ma, J, BF, cousin,). Every single weekend has something planned. Something I have to shop for, cook for, mail cards for, wrap for, etc. So this was the only weekend in there with out anything. I probably should have used it to prepare, or at least to veg. But no, I wanted to be there and I wanted to get away.
But this is also a warning for my loyal readers. If you can’t find me here very often the next while know that I really wish I could be because I’m probably doing something really healthy, like drowning my holiday/party stress in egg nog. Yeah, I’m a dork. I’d rather sit here listening to the clack of my key board than try to keep from saying what I think in a room full of fanatics and zealots. Maybe if I have enough egg nog they’ll let me slide as a harmless drunk who doesn’t really mean it.
3 Jan
The List
Posted by m in blogging, boyfriend, dating, family, humor, single mom, writing. Tagged: alone, blog, children, comment, committment, communication, creation, dark side, dream, family, forgiveness, god, goddess, goot time, humor, learning and growing, list, love, lust, passion, poet, priorities, relationship, sex, single mom, spark, spirit, trust, values. 2 Comments
I started to comment here but realized I have way too much to say to fit it all in a comment box. I’ve done plenty of mental listing over the years but maybe it’s time I forced myself to formalize it a bit, so here goes, in no particular order.
1) I want a man who values our relationship first and foremost.
2) He needs to take care of himself well enough that I can trust him to take care of me if I ever need it. He needs to be willing to trust me to take care of him if he needs it.
3) I want lots of good sex. Sometimes wild and crazy, sometimes sweet and tender.
4) He needs to learn to love my children, they come second.
5) We need to share a dream.
6) He needs to value family, ours, mine, his.
7) He has to love learning and be willing to never stop growing.
8 ) He has to want to make the world a better place. If even only through raising good kids.
9) I’d be dead if it weren’t for my sense of humor. Sometimes it’s a dark humor. He must be willing to laugh with me, at me and at himself.
10) I need to feel like his goddess. I’m willing to treat him like a god in return.
11) He must understand that I am a poet. And understand what this means. And be willing to live with it. Forever. Whatever he is must be something I can understand. And be willing to live with. Forever.
12) I need a relationship that is flexible and elastic enough to let me grow but still static and stable enough I feel safe and secure.
13) He must enjoy creation/nature with respect and passion. This does not mean extreme back-packing but rather a willingness to make small sacrifices for the good of all.
14) He cannot be perfect. He needs to understand that I cannot be perfect.
15) I have a dark side. Sometimes I do awful things. Usually to myself. He needs to be able to understand that sometimes it really is not him but me…. Sometimes he will need to be there even when I say I want to be alone.
16) I must be able to forgive him anything. He must be able to forgive me anything.
17) He must be responsible, reasonable and intelligent. Prefereably also well read, well educated and well rounded.
18) We need to be able to have a good time just by being together. Even if all we’re doing is washing dishes or scrubbing veggies.
19) We need to communicate openly and honestly about everything, even if it’s uncomfortable. Especially it it’s uncomfortable.
20) There must be Spark: lust, desire, attraction. There needs to be Spirit: love, affection, passion.
21) He needs to turn me on. This requires a high level of trust and faith on my part. I need to know that we are committed and tuned in to each other.