i’d cry if i could wash my face

The water heater’s out.  My landlord came by, it’s supposed to be fixed tomorrow.  I’ll really need a shower by the time I get home.

PB woke me up in the middle of the night.  I didn’t question him too hard when he said he was too sick for school this morning.  After taking J in we went to down and got the last of the Christmas shopping done.

I haven’t had more than seconds of adult contact for days.  I even listened to the none sense spewing out of the checker’s lips as advise.  I’m getting desperate for anyone over the age of 5.

I’m tired and sore and achy.  I want a hot bath and then bed.  I want someone to talk to.  I want to cry.  But I hate washing in cold water so I’m doing everything I can to keep myself upbeat and distracted.

Still Sick, and Other Updates

My poor little Poka Bear’s still ill.  He put himself to bed at 4:30.  This is unusual enough that I keep checking on him.

We were supposed to go to a get together at our neighbors.  But it maybe just as well that I won’t wake a sleeping, sick child.  I’m all wrung out.  I was up half the night with the little guy.  I’ve pushed myself like crazy to clean today.  I’d intended to shop, run errands, and bake; none of which happened.  I just couldn’t make the poor kid go out in the cold and deal with crowds.  But I bet I sleep soundly tonight (except for when I wake worried and have to go put a hand on his head for a minute) and the house looks better than it has in months.  I told the kids we had to get/keep everything nice and neat so Santa’s got room to bring new stuff.

J’s been a real trooper, putting up with PB getting extra attention/medicine/cold wet treats.  OK, she got a popsicle too.  And having him crash so early gave her a whole evening to be the only one.  And she likes to help.  She even picked up the train set her brother left on the floor when he fell asleep.  Without being asked.  As soon as I start to worry that she’s abnormally good and goes along with other people to easily she reminds me that she’s strong willed and hates people she doesn’t know well.  That’s my girl.

needing someone

BF injured himself.  I won’t say doing what.  But he’s at home.  Which is just as well as there’s nothing I could do for him and I haven’t got the energy to listen to him whine about it or baby him.  Also, I really think he should have gone to Urgent Care yesterday and he insists on waiting for Monday.

So the kids and I are on our own.  PB’s sick.  Really sick.  He was exceptionally mellow and easy going.  Then he said he was cold so I took his temperature, gave him some Tylenol and told him to rest for a few minutes.  He insisted he would be all better in time to go to Grandpa’s for Winter Solstice this afternoon.  Then (having wet his own bed last night) he put himself to sleep in his sister’s bed at 10am.  He woke up at 11:30 seeming much better and again insisted we still needed to go to Grandpa’s.

We got to Grandpa’s and he didn’t want to get off the couch, not for anything.  He felt hot to the touch so I ran out for a bottle of Ibuprofen.  Half an hour later he was back to his cheerful self.  We made it home (with on emergency potty stop, and he did manage to hold it long enough) and he wouldn’t walk in from the car.  So I got J and part of our stuff in and came back to carry him.  I put him on the floor and went to make up his bed and get the PJ’s out.  Five minutes later he was still curled up in his coat.  I pulled the coat off and burned myself on his hot little neck.  So after another temperature taking I gave him more Tylenol and some water.  He’d just swallowed when he said he was going to throw up.  Much as I tried to fly, we didn’t make it in time.  He lost it all over himself, me, the floor, everywhere.  Poor J wanted to know what was going on and got yelled at to stay away.

And I really needed an extra pair of hands.  But I managed.  J’s tucked in bed, sleeping.  PB’s sleeping in the living room, I wanted him close and Not on the top bunk.  My mom bailed me out be running over a little bit of laundry soap so the worst of the mess’s on spin cycle right now.  I’m waiting for the hot water to catch back up so I can have a shower and get it out of my hair.  Yes, it really went every where.  Good thing I have short hair now.  It’s all neatly tucked in a bandana.  And I’m wearing clothes that were in need of a washing when I took then off this morning.  Soon, I will be all clean.  I’ve taken care of everyone else, now I get to take care of myself.

Maybe it ’s better that no one has to see me like this…. But damn would it have ever been nice to have head someone to hand me the paper towels so I wouldn’t have had no choice but to track it all the way across the kitchen.  I almost asked J to bring me her blanket, as it was the only thing she could have reached that might have helped.

I Have a Five Year Old

PB turned 5 on Saturday.  And he’s in the middle of a growth spurt.  Clothes that fit fine last week leave his wrists sticking out several inches.  My 5lb4oz baby’s a small boy who can put together legos and tell elaborate tales of adventure.  He’s starting to read and write.

I’m so proud of my Poka Bear, who won’t actually let me call him that anymore, but I still miss my baby.  And I feel old.

The birthday party went well.  Too bad he’s not allowed to inivte school friends.  The policy there is everybody of nobody and, as my house is small and it’s freezing out, that means nobody.  Poor kid.

I’m always nervous with the potentially explosive mix of family and friends we have all crowded together.  But somehow they all manage to bite their tongues and be nice for a few hours for my kids.

We ate cake out of a dump truck.  That’s right.  Really.  I served “dirt, mud and rocks” in the back of a huge Tonka.  It was much easier than last years Little Bear cake.  If not quite as cute as the year he had a track hoe digging a hole in his cake.  I’m not very good at the neat, pretty frosting thing so I get clever.  I’ve built cakes with foil rail road tracks.  I like making boy cakes, they like it if their cake can pass for a load of fill.  I managed a few flowers for J’s cake last year.  But I have no idea what to do for this year.

Oh yes, my littlest baby turns 2 exactly one month after my bigger baby turns 5.  Sigh.  They grow up to fast.  I blinked and suddenly there’s this little man in my house who thinks he doesn’t need my any more.

out of touch

wow… have I been slacking.  Did you give up on me?  Do I have a good excuse for having not been here?

It’s been a crazy couple of weeks.  I even missed my blog’s birthday.  How sad.  I’d intented to write a post outlining all the changes in the last year.  But perhaps the biggest change is that I never get the time to sit and write.

I feel out of sync with myself.  I need some quality me and only me time.  I was thrilled to sit in the car and wait this morning.  I got to play kid-inapproprate music and a decible level I’d never let them hear and read the newspaper.  It was lovely.

Right, why was a sitting in the car doing nothing on Monday morning?  Don’t I have, like, a job and stuff?  Well, I took the day off to be there for BF taking his liscense exam.  And yes, he passed.  I knew he would.  And I refuse to think of anything to say if he didn’t, but yeah, I was nervous for him.  Everything went well untill we ran into snow on the way home.  Driving 80 miles in a near white out.  And I did hurt his feelings by not letting him drive my car in a blizzard.  I’m from Colorado, I know what I’m doing.  He’s from New Mexico and has already wrecked one car in the snow.  But hey, we still made it in time for me to let him out at his place and only be minutes later than normal getting the kids at daycare.

OK, so I went for him but yes, it was also with the thought that it would be good for me.  Thanksgiving marks the beginning of the crazy season here.  Between the end of November and the middle of January we have 4 holidays (T-day, Winter Solstice, Christmas, New Years) and 7 birthdays (In-law, PB, Great Grandpa, G’ma, J, BF, cousin,).  Every single weekend has something planned.  Something I have to shop for, cook for, mail cards for, wrap for, etc.  So this was the only weekend in there with out anything.  I probably should have used it to prepare, or at least to veg.  But no, I wanted to be there and I wanted to get away.

But this is also a warning for my loyal readers.  If you can’t find me here very often the next while know that I really wish I could be because I’m probably doing something really healthy, like drowning my holiday/party stress in egg nog.  Yeah, I’m a dork.  I’d rather sit here listening to the clack of my key board than try to keep from saying what I think in a room full  of fanatics and zealots.   Maybe if I have enough egg nog they’ll let me slide as a harmless drunk who doesn’t really mean it.

lonely

It’s my second night on my own again.  BF is gone across the state for a funeral and probably won’t be back for a few days yet.  I know he’s busy with his family, know that his sister just lost her husband, that the grief runs deep and raw.  So I feel throughly guilty for wishing he’d take a few minutes to call me.

In 2 days I’ve reverted to my old semi-feral single mom habits.  We ate (healthy) pumpkin pie for dinner (and chicken soup) last night.  I run around like a rapid dog trying to keep up with everything, never remembering to sit down and chill even for a minute.

The last weeks are really catching up with me, I’m sitting here trying not to cry, without any particular reason for the sudden burst of sadness.  For one, I haven’t been writting nearly enough, I can barely get internet these days and, well, life’s just been beyond crazy.

PB got lice at school last week.  Taking care of that deserves it’s own mile long post.  Work’s been high intensity.  I’m fighting off another cold.  BF is gone and mostly incomunicado.  I’m tired, I’m cold, I’m sick, I’m lonely.

I’m not used to feeling lonely. I’ve always loved my solitude.  I don’t know what to do with lonely.

Dexter

Originally written November 12

 

I’ve recently been converted to a fan of Dexter.  So far I’ve only made it through the first 2 episodes.

Dexter is a serial killer who only kills bad guys.  He’s careful and methodical about making sure that they really are evil people who have escaped justice.  He’s a sociopath who claims to have no feelings, to fake all of his emotional human interactions.  He dates a single mom.  They’re both terrified of being intimate.

And yes, I very much identify with the show.  All too often I find that I’ve missed some crucial bit of information and have to manage to fake my way through a situation.  And I am very much afraid of letting people into my life.  I show a startling lack of judgment at times.  Witness Psycho Stalker and Icks.

One of the things I love about Dexter is that he finds the single mom who’s been severely damaged by her past more attractive than the “normal” co-worker who’s after him.  There’s none of the usual BS about single mothers being desperate for a hook-up or un-able to meet their kids needs.  She might have a past but she’s a good mom and she’s not easy.  The difficulty of dating with kids in tow is tactfully but truthfully touched upon.  They finally get brave enough to kiss (although it is almost painfully obvious that both characters are still quite hesitant) when her son calls after getting sick at his friend’s house.

It’s a good show, good enough to earn a spot on my very meager TV viewing time.  Luckily I burrowed the DVD’s from a co-worker who understands that it might take me a while to get through the whole season.

Sharing

originally written November 11

I’m not very good at sharing.  But I am trying to learn.

I want to share my life with BF, but so much of it has been mine alone for so long that I don’t know how.

In particular, I have no experience sharing my kids.  I am used to being the only adult who is consistently part of their lives.  Icks sees them nearly every weekend but he is not around for Tuesday morning when no one wants to get out of bed and we’re 20 minutes late already.  Grandma sees them often (except she’s out of town for most of this month) but she mostly spoils them with treats and TV.  They see their teachers everyday but the turn over at the school is (too) high and the schedules often change.  Until now I have been their rock, the one grown up who is always there and can be counted on to meet their needs and look out for them.  And I am used to getting all the sticky hugs, the fresh-picked dandelions, the demands for make it better kisses.

Single Mom Seeking’s post on discipline comes at a good time for me.  Because as I learn to let someone share in my trials and joys as a parent this issue is starting to come up for us.  If we really have a future together he needs to have a relationship of love and respect with my kids.  They need to know that he is another rock they can rely on.  PB seems to be starting to trust him more, the first sign being that he’s really testing the limits.  He wants to know if the rules are still the rules.  J is small enough that she is fine to let anyone (she sees often enough to trust at all) distract her with an appropriate activity if she veers into trouble.

And BF seems to really want to do the right thing.  He wants to become a part of my family, wants to be good to both me and my kids.  But sometimes he doesn’t know how to go about it, doesn’t have much experience with kids, doesn’t know where my limits are.  And so he is hesitant to get too involved.

For the most part I think it best to (slowly) let them work it out themselves.  I don’t want to have a family where I must always referee between my kids and my man.  But I also don’t want these people I love so much to think that I don’t care enough to help them through the process.

I am learning to share my children, the most important part of my life, and it is so hard.  I have tried to take things slow, to let him be around, to let them all get used to each other, without having it be too serious too soon.  But things are quite serious between us now, we might not be forever but baring trauma this is going to be a long term serious relationship.  And so now I have to learn to let the compartments of my life, my heart, bleed into each other.

Last night was a hard night.  Everyone had had long, difficult days.  And the evening didn’t go very well.  I got the kids in bed before BF came over (we’d gone to his house for pizza earlier) and we had one of those talks.  I went to check on my kids.  And they were sleeping so peacefully.  So I pulled BF back to their room with me.  And we stood quietly in each other’s arms and listened to them breath.  Sharing the moment.  It was so beautiful, and I was so happy to have someone who could be with me for that instant of tranquility.

the other post….

my first post just got gobbled up by the internet gremlins.  guess i’ll take it as a sign and give up.  sorry ya’ll.  it was good enough i just can’t bring myself to try to duplicate it.  maybe tomorrow. 

First Fight

We had our first real fight.  We’re still OK.  But I’m really drained from it.

The things that make us so compatable also make it easy for us rub each other the wrong way.  We have enough in common to always have something to do together, to talk about over dinner, to often know each other’s thoughts.  But we also have the same set of demons, the same dark sides.