the other post….

my first post just got gobbled up by the internet gremlins.  guess i’ll take it as a sign and give up.  sorry ya’ll.  it was good enough i just can’t bring myself to try to duplicate it.  maybe tomorrow. 

First Fight

We had our first real fight.  We’re still OK.  But I’m really drained from it.

The things that make us so compatable also make it easy for us rub each other the wrong way.  We have enough in common to always have something to do together, to talk about over dinner, to often know each other’s thoughts.  But we also have the same set of demons, the same dark sides.

The Wheel of Time

You may not hear from me much for the next few days.  The Gathering Storm came out.  I thought it wouldn’t be released until the third.  So I’m in the middle of Feast for Crows.  I have reading to do.  It’s a sign of my commitment that I’m letting BF get started on my new, virgin book while I hurry up and finish.  I must go now.  The pages are calling.

blowing off steam

BF and I  went to my sister’s Saturday night.  Her house is 5 hours from mine.  So yes, we drove most of Saturday, partied, slept, and drove home.  I’m still all worn out.  But I sure did need that break in routine.

My sister is 21.  She has her own house.  She lives in a tiny town known only for the large Tech school.  Her house is full of nifty breakable things.  We got to fly remote controll helicopters while drinking, gaming, and chatting, etc.  Not once did I have to yell at a kid to “DON”T TOUCH”.  It was grown-up time, in grown-up space.  OK, I really can’t party like I’m 21 any more, so maybe it wasn’t really so much grown-up as it was kid-free.

And BF and I got 10+ hours by ourselves.  It wasn’t exactly the romantic get a way of a life time but it was time just to be us.  It was lovely.  I got to use my back speakers, for once not having to worry about ruining my kids ears.

Even though I’m all worn out (this is partly because we were up late having a discussion which will remain private for the time being) I feel much saner.

It’s in the Stars

PB wanted to buy his costume.  He picked out batman.  J already has a little cheerleader suit, I know, what could be scarrier?  But it was a gift from BF’s grandma so it’s one less thing to buy.

And I let BF pick my costume.  So now I have a very sexy witch outfit to wear.  And of course, he wants a private preview. So that’s been planned for Friday night.

I discovered this site through a link on Cost of Living (one of my favorite bogs, BTW).  I like to say that I am too rational to believe in such nonsense.  But that’s just not quite true.  I think that we control our destinies but I am all to true to my sign to deny it completely.  And I do think that distractions can be exactly what the doctor ordered when life gets too serious and stressful.

Today I am home with sick kids again, and goofing off online while they snack, I decided to see what the stars say.  This is BF’s horoscope for the week.

What Might Have Been

We were washing dishes together last night.  Standing elbow-to-elbow in my cramped kitchen.  We had been discussing safe sex.

As teenagers (OK, I was a teenager, he wasn’t) we weren’t always as careful as we should have been.  And then it crossed my mind: we could have a nine year old.  How’s that for a scarry thought?  And just how different would our lives be?

I know that there’s really no point in thoughts like these.  But now the thought is stuck there and won’t go away.  All these silly questions come with it.  Would I have even finished highschool?  Would we have been able to pull our heads out of our asses and grow up?  Or would we have driven each other insane and ended bitter and nasty?

There would be no PB or J.  I never would have gotten invloved with either PsychoStalker or Icks.  I probably wouldn’t have gone to college, and certainly wouldn’t have started when I did.  Heck, I would have been very pregnant the summer I started college.

I think, that even then, we would have pulled togther.  That the influence of fantasy novels would have been enough (on both of us) to have made us get married and do our best.  But it’s so hard to really know.  We were so selfish, so busy wallowing in heartache and angst.  Maybe we would have had a happy ending.

But much as I could wish that we had spent the last ten years toghter, that we hadn’t wasted so much time apart, I am really happy to have what we have now.  And if the past had happened differently now would be very different, too.  Maybe our now would be better, but we might not have learned all the lessons we got in the last decade.

Yet I can still see us as that happy family, me and him and our children.  I’d never have to send him off because Icks is coming to see J.  I would have all the scars that come from abuse and trauma.  There would be no wondering if there’s child support coming this month (and seeing as today’s the 21st I doubt that there is).  He wouldn’t be at home in his bed tonight while I am alone in mine.

Insipiration

I spent half my week thinking of things I wanted to post about.  Now I have the chance to write and my head is empty.  The things on my mind aren’t blogging material, well, they would be if this was an anonymous blog.  But it isn’t, so there are topics I cannot discuss.

Have you ever run across a moral delima where something is both right and wrong at the same time?  I’m looking at one of those right now and have no idea yet how I’m going to play it out.  I just don’t know….

Mean while I have a rare case of writer’s block as I try to sort through all this.  It might be time for old fashion paper and pen.  I can always burn it later.  Except I know that I won’t.  I’ve been keeping a log of my life for 17 years and haven’t been able to destroy one word of it.  And yes, there are dark, damning, secrets in those pages.  Both mine and others.

I’ve even tried not to write, not to leave a trail of paper behind me.  There’s bland journal entries, bizarre short stories, thousands of poems and even more pieces of poems, outlines for novels, notes for stage scripts.  I cannot not write.  I might be able to resist for a short while but never for long.  Even when I am so over worked, exhausted, worn out that I cannot hold my head up I will still find myself hunched up over a notebook or keyboard, letting those words slip out one letter at a time while my red, blurry eyes struggle to keep up.

So there it is, I long to share what is in my heart and my head today, but I cannot and this is blocking all other words, so I’ll revert to my old habit of scribbling and stashing the pages away.  Maybe someday (hopefully soon) I will have resolved this conflict and be able to spit it out.

10 years

Ten years ago today BF and I made love for the first time.

I was sixteen and had already had 2 sexual relationships and a 1 night stand.  He was 21 and a virgin.

In the last 10 years I’ve dated widely, slept with a (small) handfull of men and had 2 children.  He’s still been with only me.  That’s right, I’m with a man who truely only wants me.

Back then we were both deeply in pain from broken hearts.  We tried to bandage ourselves with each other, with drugs, with anything to numb the agony.  We tried to make each other and our relationship into something it could never be: the loves we grieved for.  We were the epitome of broken and co-dependent.  We were selfish and angry, bleeding and desperate.

And today we are in love with each other.  We have faced our demons, put ourselves back together.  We have faced mortality and found maturity.  We have enough confidence in ourselves to give love and receive it.

And yes, to give the answer everyone’s been waiting for, my self-control has cracked and we could not wait any longer.  It’s not like we’d never done it before, after all.  And yes, he’s even better than I remembered…. but I’ll not go into the steamy details.

I am having trouble getting my mind around the idea that here I am, with this man, 10 years later.  Granted, we spent much of that 10 years apart.  But we have also wondered together just how things would have been if only if….

Whatever lies in our past we have a now which is lovely and a future which looks to be even better.  I see us in another 10 years, still happy to spend a few minutes on Saturday morning snuggled up in bed while the kids watch cartoons.  Sigh.

Stress Reactions

I hate to say it but I’m quite happy my poor little Poka Bear’s sick today.  I really need this time at home.

Work has been uber-stressful for a while and it’s only getting worse.  I’ve been dragging myself in sick for months.  The stress has killed my imune system.  I’ve been getting headaches all the time and drugs no longer do anything for them.  My back’s a gnarly mess of knots even my massage therapist boyfriend can’t quite get rid of.  I’ve been getting heartburn too.

So it’s good to be home.  PB’s coloring in the kitchen, he seems to be doing much better.  I get to hang out with my computer for a while.  We’re loading music on the Nano.  I’m wearing old sweats and sipping coffee.  And refusing to think about work.

New Toys

I have a real ipod now.  My knock-off shuffle was pissing me off.  So I spent my birthday money on a Nano.  It’s still converting the million songs on my computer.  And I’m getting antsy to start playing with it.

While waiting I’m enjoying sitting down and goofing off.  These moments don’t happen very often.  I sent the kids outside to play with Icks.  I needed the quiet, they need the exercise, and BF and I spent most of the day cleaning up and Ican’t take the thought of all that work getting un-done in seconds.

That’s right, BF spent most of his Sunday going through half my house with his shop-vac and sucking all the dust and cobwebs out of the cracks I can’t reach.  We only got through half the house before the day got late, but still, this place hasn’t been this clean in years.

Some part of me would like to say that he’s just another of my boy-toys, that I’m not really in love.  But such just isn’t the case.  This is serious now.  Falling in love wasn’t part of the five-year plan.  I’d adjusted myself to a happily single life.  And now here I am.

But I’m quite sure that he feels the same way about me.  Men don’t bust their balls like that for girls they just want to bed.  And yes, he’s damn sexy all sweaty.  I even think he smells good after helping me move furniture and dump a cat-box.  That’s right.  He cleaned the litter pan for me.  After helping wash dishes and before sucking all the dust out of the kids’ room.  How lucky can a girl get, to find a boy like that?

Now if only my ipod would hurry up… cause I do like toys still.  At least I’ve got  BF who understands my nerdy fascination with all things techno and gadget….